What is this gray area you speak of?

So I've lost like 108 pounds. That's AMAZING right? I'm not happy. WTF you ask? A. It's taken me like 6 years AND B. it's not enough. I STILL have like 118 to go. Some cars are still too little (there was a reenactment of the clown car incident the other night). I'm still dealing with aches and pains. I still can't fit into some booths at restaurants. I'm going Cedar Point at the end of this month and A. It's a good thing I'm not going for the rides because I probably can't fit into most of them and B. My cousin is picking me up and she's thinking of letting my mother rent a van because I'll be more comfortable in it.

My mother is no longer going, which is a plus, but I'd almost rather deal with her uncontrollable psychosis than having to look into the disapproving, pathetically sympathetic eyes of the family members I sarcastically, yet with a splash of love call the "Skinny Bitch Tribe" or "Satan and her minions" (depending on the level of randiness I'm feeling at the particular moment).

And yet, after 6 months of DBT - this is still what I focus on. I don't focus on the fact that not only did a mile once take me 30 minutes but I just walked 6 miles in an hour and 45 minutes in flip flops and wasn't dying the day after. And last year, 5 miles took me an hour and 48 (with hell hill in the mix). I seem to forget that I was in a 34 and I just zipped up a size freaking 20.

I just put a friend in check - she needed it. And it's things I've been feeling for a while and I kind of unleashed on her. Not horribly and I apologized for going at her hard and she said she didn't see it as hard, but we've traveled in the same circle for years so she knows loosely how it use to be. The anger behind my words came from being highly annoyed at certain behaviors of hers for months. I should have said something sooner, but because I'd finally had enough, it came out a tad rough. I'm frustrated because I'm trying NOT to do that and it just doesn't seem to be working.

So now I sit here questioning if I'm ever going to be where I need to be. I'm better than I was but I seem to be stuck in a plateau and it's pissing me off because despite my pushing myself - I'm still seeing in black and white and not this wonderful world of gray that I hear exists. I'm TRYING and it just feels like I'm not getting anywhere. Okay, that's not true. I've gotten VERY far. I'm too hard on myself, but I'm not as far as I want to be and I'm out of the program in 6 months. *huffs*

Okay... I'm taking deep breathes and pulling myself off the wall. An act, that 6 months ago, didn't work. The MSU fan warned me at the beginning that DBT wasn't for sissies. He wasn't lying. Maybe this trauma therapy he's wanting to do with me (which btw is Pre Exposure Therapy) will help shake the rest of this loose. Here's to hoping right?