So the drama with the "friend" is winding down. I went off on her yesterday and ended up checking out for about 30 seconds. Told the MSU fan about it, he says very sternly, yet with a whole lot of love, "KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF!" Well thank you for that. Why didn't I think of that?? But the disassociation was MAYBE 30 seconds and I was able to pull it back together. So in using my skills, I'm accepting my mistakes, not judging myself as good or bad and realizing that it where as it was 30 seconds too long, it was only 30 seconds versus the couple of hours it would have been in the past. And I was able to pull myself back versus the tornado tearing through a trailer park and just allowing it to wind down and deal with the aftermath later.
The sister missionaries don't know it yet, but they're always asking me if they can help and they finally can. I'm a Mormon, the people the "friend" is staying with are Mormon, so I'm going to ask them to take the vacuum over there for me and California let me know that I can call the phone company and have her number blocked so she won't be able to call me. Case closed, buh bye psycho.
I had a fantastic conversation with someone from DBT who's fast becoming one of my best friends. She gently let me know that consciously or subconsciously I was starting to fall back into old behaviors with California. That some things have changed but I'm going back to babbling all about him and she feels that I'm starting to forget about me. She's like I don't mind hearing about him, but I hear how he's doing before you tell me how Connie is today. And that there's been some decisions that I've almost made on how he feels about things instead of how I feel about them.
Now let me clarify, this is not because it's how he demands it. It makes it easier for me so I don't have to think on my own because I'm scared of screwing up and I don't feel like I know what I'm doing in my life.
Here's the significance in the conversation she and I just had: Firstly, she was becoming slightly annoyed and she said something instead of killing me lol. Secondly, I allowed her to gently call me on it and I didn't run from the wake up call. I didn't make excuses as to why I did it or justify. I listened to her concerns, took a deep breath and said "HELL, I'm doing it again!" I have a tendency to be codependent and I know it. I really appreciate the way she came to with it and it really set me straight.
Him coming back around rattled my chain a little bit but I've got things back in perspective and I stand firmly on my feet knowing where I'm going and what I will and will not go for.
No comments:
Post a Comment