Are you kidding me right now?

So the MSU fan wasn't kidding when he said that I was going to erupt once I started to write the narratives and such. I started out with what I thought was going to be the least of the 3 issues. And really, I guess it is. And if it is - take your children and go underground cuz it's going to get worse before it gets better.

I've started out with the ex fiance. Now let's not get it twisted, I'm so over him it's not funny. But I've internalized the shit he did and allowed it to effect my relationships. So I need to delve into it one last time so I can deal with the emotions it brought up. I cried a bit writing it out. And I cried over some songs, but I'm PISSED. I'm angry as fuck and I'm ready to knock somebody out.

I snapped on my DBT friend because she said something about me being stupid for allowing California to still control me when that's not what I fucking said. I told her one of these days she needs to listen to what I said and not what she thinks she read between the lines.

It truly does rain before it shines. Last night I got a message from someone that the Canadian was talking to her at the same time. Now in all fairness, we hadn't talked in a bit cuz my phone's been off, but he hasn't tried to contact me and I've been leaving periodic messages on his facebook. We've done this before, so I just figured when I got the cell phone figured out, I'd just contact him. ESPECIALLY since I'd let him know that my phone was going to be shut off for a bit.

I was taking my sweet time getting it back on because I was getting attached WAY too quick and needed to slow things down. Despite my misgivings and my concerns, he talked a REALLY good game. I was chalking up my concerns to just being overly analytical and I was just going to have to go see him and figure things out on my own.

I have no tolerance for bullshit right now. I'm trying to keep it under wraps but I'm so highly agitated it's reminiscent of the old days. The days where I just stayed away from people because I knew that they could say the wrong thing and I'd tear into them and give them more of the anger than they deserved. The days that I was scared of myself because I didn't understand it or know what to do with it.

One day, I'll learn to trust my first instincts. To think I was feeling BAD about pushing him away because I got scared and because I hadn't dealt with other things. I feel like Boo Boo the Fool.

Ah well, he did me a favor. I've spent way too long being pissed off at that asshole already. Time to get over it and move the hell on.

Interesting revelation

This will be analyzed more later when I have time - but I have on clothes that FIT. And by that I mean I actually own something now that's not too damn big. My jeans, fit. My shirt, fits and even my fleece jacket I'm wearing over it, fits. It finally actually looks like I've lost a ton of weight and you can see the curves that are starting to form... and I'm feeling very fragile and vulnerable right now.

Don't have time to get into what that means and why - I have to finish getting ready to go to the my DBT friend's house for writing, cooking, movie watching, Wii playing (she is so getting her ass kicked in bicycling) and hair dying.

Virtual pimp slaps do a body good

So the drama with the "friend" is winding down. I went off on her yesterday and ended up checking out for about 30 seconds. Told the MSU fan about it, he says very sternly, yet with a whole lot of love, "KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF!" Well thank you for that. Why didn't I think of that?? But the disassociation was MAYBE 30 seconds and I was able to pull it back together. So in using my skills, I'm accepting my mistakes, not judging myself as good or bad and realizing that it where as it was 30 seconds too long, it was only 30 seconds versus the couple of hours it would have been in the past. And I was able to pull myself back versus the tornado tearing through a trailer park and just allowing it to wind down and deal with the aftermath later.

The sister missionaries don't know it yet, but they're always asking me if they can help and they finally can. I'm a Mormon, the people the "friend" is staying with are Mormon, so I'm going to ask them to take the vacuum over there for me and California let me know that I can call the phone company and have her number blocked so she won't be able to call me. Case closed, buh bye psycho.

I had a fantastic conversation with someone from DBT who's fast becoming one of my best friends. She gently let me know that consciously or subconsciously I was starting to fall back into old behaviors with California. That some things have changed but I'm going back to babbling all about him and she feels that I'm starting to forget about me. She's like I don't mind hearing about him, but I hear how he's doing before you tell me how Connie is today. And that there's been some decisions that I've almost made on how he feels about things instead of how I feel about them.

Now let me clarify, this is not because it's how he demands it. It makes it easier for me so I don't have to think on my own because I'm scared of screwing up and I don't feel like I know what I'm doing in my life.

Here's the significance in the conversation she and I just had: Firstly, she was becoming slightly annoyed and she said something instead of killing me lol. Secondly, I allowed her to gently call me on it and I didn't run from the wake up call. I didn't make excuses as to why I did it or justify. I listened to her concerns, took a deep breath and said "HELL, I'm doing it again!" I have a tendency to be codependent and I know it. I really appreciate the way she came to with it and it really set me straight.

Him coming back around rattled my chain a little bit but I've got things back in perspective and I stand firmly on my feet knowing where I'm going and what I will and will not go for.

What is this gray area you speak of?

So I've lost like 108 pounds. That's AMAZING right? I'm not happy. WTF you ask? A. It's taken me like 6 years AND B. it's not enough. I STILL have like 118 to go. Some cars are still too little (there was a reenactment of the clown car incident the other night). I'm still dealing with aches and pains. I still can't fit into some booths at restaurants. I'm going Cedar Point at the end of this month and A. It's a good thing I'm not going for the rides because I probably can't fit into most of them and B. My cousin is picking me up and she's thinking of letting my mother rent a van because I'll be more comfortable in it.

My mother is no longer going, which is a plus, but I'd almost rather deal with her uncontrollable psychosis than having to look into the disapproving, pathetically sympathetic eyes of the family members I sarcastically, yet with a splash of love call the "Skinny Bitch Tribe" or "Satan and her minions" (depending on the level of randiness I'm feeling at the particular moment).

And yet, after 6 months of DBT - this is still what I focus on. I don't focus on the fact that not only did a mile once take me 30 minutes but I just walked 6 miles in an hour and 45 minutes in flip flops and wasn't dying the day after. And last year, 5 miles took me an hour and 48 (with hell hill in the mix). I seem to forget that I was in a 34 and I just zipped up a size freaking 20.

I just put a friend in check - she needed it. And it's things I've been feeling for a while and I kind of unleashed on her. Not horribly and I apologized for going at her hard and she said she didn't see it as hard, but we've traveled in the same circle for years so she knows loosely how it use to be. The anger behind my words came from being highly annoyed at certain behaviors of hers for months. I should have said something sooner, but because I'd finally had enough, it came out a tad rough. I'm frustrated because I'm trying NOT to do that and it just doesn't seem to be working.

So now I sit here questioning if I'm ever going to be where I need to be. I'm better than I was but I seem to be stuck in a plateau and it's pissing me off because despite my pushing myself - I'm still seeing in black and white and not this wonderful world of gray that I hear exists. I'm TRYING and it just feels like I'm not getting anywhere. Okay, that's not true. I've gotten VERY far. I'm too hard on myself, but I'm not as far as I want to be and I'm out of the program in 6 months. *huffs*

Okay... I'm taking deep breathes and pulling myself off the wall. An act, that 6 months ago, didn't work. The MSU fan warned me at the beginning that DBT wasn't for sissies. He wasn't lying. Maybe this trauma therapy he's wanting to do with me (which btw is Pre Exposure Therapy) will help shake the rest of this loose. Here's to hoping right?