So the MSU fan wasn't kidding when he said that I was going to erupt once I started to write the narratives and such. I started out with what I thought was going to be the least of the 3 issues. And really, I guess it is. And if it is - take your children and go underground cuz it's going to get worse before it gets better.
I've started out with the ex fiance. Now let's not get it twisted, I'm so over him it's not funny. But I've internalized the shit he did and allowed it to effect my relationships. So I need to delve into it one last time so I can deal with the emotions it brought up. I cried a bit writing it out. And I cried over some songs, but I'm PISSED. I'm angry as fuck and I'm ready to knock somebody out.
I snapped on my DBT friend because she said something about me being stupid for allowing California to still control me when that's not what I fucking said. I told her one of these days she needs to listen to what I said and not what she thinks she read between the lines.
It truly does rain before it shines. Last night I got a message from someone that the Canadian was talking to her at the same time. Now in all fairness, we hadn't talked in a bit cuz my phone's been off, but he hasn't tried to contact me and I've been leaving periodic messages on his facebook. We've done this before, so I just figured when I got the cell phone figured out, I'd just contact him. ESPECIALLY since I'd let him know that my phone was going to be shut off for a bit.
I was taking my sweet time getting it back on because I was getting attached WAY too quick and needed to slow things down. Despite my misgivings and my concerns, he talked a REALLY good game. I was chalking up my concerns to just being overly analytical and I was just going to have to go see him and figure things out on my own.
I have no tolerance for bullshit right now. I'm trying to keep it under wraps but I'm so highly agitated it's reminiscent of the old days. The days where I just stayed away from people because I knew that they could say the wrong thing and I'd tear into them and give them more of the anger than they deserved. The days that I was scared of myself because I didn't understand it or know what to do with it.
One day, I'll learn to trust my first instincts. To think I was feeling BAD about pushing him away because I got scared and because I hadn't dealt with other things. I feel like Boo Boo the Fool.
Ah well, he did me a favor. I've spent way too long being pissed off at that asshole already. Time to get over it and move the hell on.
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