What's love got to do with it?

Feh. Just feh. I can see now today is going to be a day of distracting and trying to get my mind of the fact that my luck sucks. HOW is it, I get a PHENOMENAL man, who would build a ladder to the moon, take it down, put it in a bow and hand it to me if I wanted it, but things have to end because he's 3 million miles away and we're too poor to see each other? So in order for either of us to have a life (because let's face it, we're not getting any younger) I had to make the heart breaking decision to end it?

One could argue that we were headed towards it anyway because of the way we were drifting apart but if you ask me (and I say that because if you ask him, you might get a different answer) at least on my end, it was never seeing each other that caused my unhappiness. And I hadn't been happy for a while, which I should have said something and in all honesty, the break up should have happened sooner, but I loved him. Hell, I still do.

A friend of mine told me that we should stop screwing around and just get back together if we're going to. The thing is, as much as I care for him, I can't hold on to just a phone anymore. I have to see him and it has to be on a regular basis. I just cannot take going to another reunion, birthday party, family holiday alone, when I'm supposed to be with someone. I cannot stand having to cry into a phone and lay there feeling like hell because I'm not being held. And I know what I'm giving up. The next bitch that gets him needs to thank whoever she prays to that I'm poor cuz if we were in the same state, this wouldn't have happened. I'm never going to find anybody like him again and I know that. Most guys like him don't deal with girls like me. I know that. So I'll have to settle for a close second, and that's fine.

Yes, we had our issues and some of them were pretty serious but I feel (and again, my opinion here) that we pretty much had it to where it would work. From the last two months of our relationship you wouldn't think so, but at some point I just shut down and I think I stopped trying because the constant let down of not seeing him made me go numb. And maybe I gave up too quick. Maybe I should opened my mouth sooner, in fact, I know I should have, but at the point that I did - I think it was too little too late and the last thing I wanted was for us to end up hating each other.

When we broke up, I told him I knew what I was giving up and it killed me. He said that he understood that I did what I had to do and that it killed him too. At that moment, I wished he hated me. I wished he called me names and hoped I die because when he told me it was killing him too, I went from mildly upset to water fall city. I was glad that we were doing it over the computer, because I don't think I could have talked after that, hell I could barely breathe. I didn't mean to hurt him, I wasn't trying to - I wanted to tell him that he'd eventually see that I did him a favor.

We started checking in with each other once every other week or so and then once a week. Now we've talked 3 days in a row and I don't think I can take it. I have my best friend back and I'm starting to remember what it was like when it was great - we're back to the way it use to be. And I keep slipping and calling him baby - and he's not stopping me anymore. I feel like I need to slow it all down. I'm not ready to be with anybody. For MONTHS I felt like I needed to be alone for a while because we were getting pretty bad and with DBT I just felt like I needed to do this on my own so I didn't have to worry about keeping a relationship afloat. But I was in one and I loved him, so I was just going to push through it. I let things get too bad. I know it know and I knew it then.

Being that I'm about embark on that new program with the MSU fan, I'm not going to get back in a relationship until that's over with. It sounds pretty intense and I can't be giving a relationship my full attention while I'm exorcising the demons of Connie's past. Especially a relationship that's in need of getting patched up. And the fact of the matter is, I don't really want to discuss getting back together with him until I see him. We do have other things to work out and personally, we need to be in a room together, face to face and fight it out. He mentioned something about seeing me and I passively said something about don't tease me like that until you have the money, but I seriously mean that.

And I'm guilty too, I mentioned him coming up here in October for the Bone Thugs N Harmony concert. I got caught up in the moment and I need to quit that shit. But I'm to the point where if he wants to see me, I can't handle being told that it's going to happen and then spend the next three days in bed sobbing because it didn't happen. I got to where when we set a date for it to happen, I didn't even get excited. I never told him how bad the depression over all that got because I didn't want to hurt him. The little details I told him were enough to make him feel bad and none of this was his fault. It wasn't anybody's fault really - it was just circumstantial.

I'd rather him just call me saying "Everything's booked - here's the conformation number - I'll see you in a week."

He's made me so much better than I ever thought I could be. I know I am who I am because he believed in me when I didn't.

I ran out of steam on this so I'm just gonna go.