So much to cover. I guess we'll take it in parts:
1. The "friend" that screwed me over? She spend the last two days sending me snarling messages and stalking my phone. I told her I wasn't going to deal with her emotionally unregulated ass until she calmed down. So today I get a text 3 minutes before I walked out the door for the day of PLEASE call me I MISS YOU! I walked into the the MSU fan's office shaking my head and laughing cuz I recognized the borderline "I hate you, don't leave me" behavior. I wasn't laughing AT her (even though me and one of my long time best friends did spend about 30 minutes being the petty bitches we are having a hearty laugh at her expense... we're girls... it happens) but more at her behavior because I've so been there. Pushing someone away and then when they finally go you freak out with WAIT DON'T GO!!! I haven't contacted her yet. I need to call her boyfriend and have him come get her stuff.She was really triggering me and I know that she's all screwed up, but she's not looking to help herself and I REFUSE to allow her to drag me back into that type of behavior.
2. The MSU fan let me know that the DBT therapists are starting a new type of therapy and he thinks that I'm a prime candidate for it. The name of it escapes me at this current moment, but it's basically desensitizing myself to trauma and facing those things in the past that still haunt me. I'll write down 12 - 15 of my top traumas. I'll rate them in importance of how much they still effect me. Then I'll pick 3 that really still screw with me. And I have to write what happened with detail and then read it again to the MSU fan. There's other things that I guess we'll do and he told me I'd be his first client that he'd be doing this with, so we'd be going through the manual point by point.This new therapy will last 16 weeks. I immediately told him yes and he's like I thought so but it's going to be hard, intense and not pleasant.
First off, if he didn't think I could handle it, he wouldn't have brought it up. So if he's got the faith in me that I can do this, even if I didn't think I could handle it - I'd do it anyway. Secondly, going into this program, there were things I knew I was going to face so I signed up for DBT knowing that this program wasn't for sissies.
Thirdly, I've been reliving some of this stuff on a regular basis for the last 32 years - what's 16 more weeks to do it one last time?
Interestingly enough, as I was telling him that I'd think about it but he could pretty much count me in, my anxiety shot up so high my voice was shaking with emotion. He smiled and he's like that shows me that you're realistic and realize that this is going to suck. I chuckled and said yeah, it might suck for the time being but if I can come out of it never having to deal with it again - it'll be worth it. I'm ready to be all that I can be.
So I have more to talk about, but it'll have to be in tomorrow's post. I'm exhausted.
No comments:
Post a Comment