Wasn't it me that was just talking about the definition of insanity?

I think that was me. One day, I'll realize that running head first into that brick wall only results in a cracked skull, not a budged wall. I asked a "friend" for help yesterday, help that A. I was in desperate need of and B. help that I don't normally ask for. IDK WHY I bothered, cuz this "friend" is only really dependable when she needs something. When she needs something, you can set your clock by her. Anyway, SIX hours after she was supposed to be at my house, I find out she ditched me for something shiny.

I've really had it with being around people I can't depend on, especially people that I've put my needs aside for to help and things are never reciprocated. So, I delete her from Facebook, cuz really - who needs the drama? Well apparently she does because I get a message of "You're being childish, all I did was go to Wal Mart". I rolled my eyes said dude - it's so much more than that and walked away. I <3 DBT.

Now let me explain why I say that. 6 months ago, I would have sent her this long, explicative filled letter tearing her very large ego to shreds and leaving her in a heap of fake tan and hair dye in the corner, rocking and contemplating her worth. And then it would have taken me 3 days to come down.

And yesterday, even after a slight confrontation with my parental unit and the week I've had, I was pretty loud for a minute but the MSU fan (my therapist) popped in my head and I remembered my breathing and realized I looked like an idiot. LOL. I realized that I'd just get a headache because she didn't even understand why I was mad and acted like we were still all good. I know that I'm right, I know that I'm not all the things she's about to call me. (I fully expect to be called a fat bitch by the end of the day. Which - duh.)

And I mean, I'd be lying if I didn't admit my feelings are hurt, but having her out of my life will make things a bit smoother. And at least I can admit that now instead of hiding behind things. It feels pretty good to not allow my anger and my emotions to not lead me. I just didn't know what to do with them before and it feels INCREDIBLE to not be consumed with negative energy.

I wish her well. She's using horrible things to run from her demons and I pray that God gives her the strength to stand still long enough to let those things catch up to her so she can deal with them properly and be the friend, sister, daughter, aunt, girlfriend that she use to be.

There's part of me that feels guilty for walking off from her, because I have friends that should have (and had every reason to) walk off from me when I was "emotionally unregulated" and didn't. And I'd be lost with out them. However, I have lost a few friends along the way and it was that action that caused me to start waking up and then the friends that stuck around were the ones that told me to do something about it.

There was a blow up in my life earlier this week (I've been going through DBT boot camp this week, I swear) and when I walked away from that, one of them came after me, trying to mend the relationship. I realized then that I've FINALLY gotten back to being the bridge that people don't want to burn.

I realized that I'm on my way to being the friend, sister, daughter, aunt and potential girlfriend that I need to be.